Without a Net, part 2 - Willin'

I get to know myself in ways that I would not have had things around me stayed stable.

Had I still been working full time at my mind-numbing job, I might have complained, felt weary, hid away on the weekends, had a pretty good time with my coworkers and our clients, felt fat and stagnant, and watched Mooji videos on YouTube from my desk though I couldn't really hear them.

But I wouldn't have had to really look. Not that I have to now. And not that looking is like a should or is even happening at all. You could say seeing. Observing, noticing, relaxing, seeing. Yes, looking almost feels mental. Like there's pressure to do something.

This is a good reminder for me to notice. If I'm moving toward an action and I can feel that pressured ache inside my forehead as if pushing my skull outward from above my eyes, I know this is not coming from a place of rest.

Ah, yes, this is a helpful distinction.

I feel that I do not have to push myself. Have a willingness? Perhaps, but even that seems to be arising on its own. A willingness, a wonder . . .

Oh la la la la la . . .

I wandered away from this for a moment and came back and it all feels like dribble! Seems so serious and significant, and sometimes that's just how it is, and amazingly it just drops away, again and again, with just a little allowing and a little space.

I have to pee.

It's quiet in my apartment and I love it here. I will be moving out in about a month and I'm glad to have this time off of work to be here, to rest and enjoy my space this month, to . . . yeah, maybe freak out sometimes. I'm willin' . . .



Don't be surprised if I start playin this one myself pretty soon . . .