freedom from an office

This time of my life feels like a groundless quickening.

I realized recently that even when we have situations that appear to be stable, they aren't necessarily. Change comes on its own timetable.

I feel fortunate, like the super scary time has passed for now, but knowing the reality of anicca, impermanence, steady times come and go. Upheaval comes and goes.

I see in the story of Carin that there has been a desire and a movement toward living life in the style that works for me, but there were some thoughts that simply felt it was not possible. That there had to be a windfall or a steady job. As I read over this now, it's funny that I wrote that the thoughts felt.

I just heard Mooji say, "Leave room for some surprise."

And so the steady job removes itself and it was a big and sudden surprise, and it's had me see the direction of this compass.

The night before I was told that I was likely to lose my job, I'd made a list of qualities I wanted in my life. Actually, I'd titled it What I Want from the Airstream Life, as I'd become restless at work and wanted to focus my intention. Here's the list:

freedom
spontanaety
natural sleep cycle
beautiful places
beautiful new friends
new places & locations
creativity
creative inspiration
rest
physical health & wellness
freedom from an office (ALH) [those are the initials of the hospital where I'd been working]
pay, for what I do naturally
complete leap of faith
peace, peace, peace, peace, peace, peace, peace

And I'd say I have it all, really. A few days ago I moved my bedroom around and I didn't plug my clock back in. It's one of my favorite things about this change: sleeping and waking up when I want. Natural sleep cycle.

Interestingly, I find that I don't sleep quite as much as I have in the past. That is, I have been sleeping under 8 hours a night, and I'm not missing the extra 30 - 90 minutes that was my preference and natural cycle before. And this, too, will not last in this design. I cannot predict any of my behavior or patterns or anything.

Perhaps because I'm seeing more and more that it isn't "me" in the way I've always thought of myself, who is actually guiding things. I - as Carin - am not in charge. There isn't really any such thing as a Carin anyway. Surely I am not those letters on the screen.

And if I were, they couldn't be making decisions and driving my life.

I feel comfortable in the groundless feeling. It seems as if life has been giving me feedback the last few days that I can actually go with my instincts, live a simple and flexible life, live comfortably, get paid to do things that are fun for me, and just stay relaxed and unscheduled enough to enjoy the gentle unfoldment of life. Until it doesn't seem gentle anymore, says memory of recent angst.

I wouldn't say that I'm angst free at present. Nor would I say that I have an official mental trust in what's coming, for how could I know anything beyond now? It's impossible. I wouldn't call it hopeful nor even encouraged. I might call it peaceful or spacious, but neither of those quite says it. I just am. Living.